*WARNING: MAY CONTAIN THINGS THAT SOME OF YOU MAY FIND TRIGGERING, SO PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*
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For as long as I can remember, I have been in an ongoing struggle of battling my inner demons. These demons are the ones that are telling me to die a premature death.
Today, I wanted to tell my story. I know my demons have not necessarily been as vocal as the demons of others; however, I thought that by telling my story I could hopefully help any one of you reading this and maybe inspire others to share their story as this is a very taboo subject and I feel that the more these stories are shared, the more likely it is that others who are struggling may decide to get the help they need.
The first time I can remember anything relating to suicidal feelings is when I was around eleven or twelve. I can remember going on my phone and googling ways to kill yourself. At that point I do not think I was particularly feeling suicidal (or at least if I was I did not realise this was how I was feeling at the time), but for some reason I was wanting to know how I could kill myself.
All of my dealings with mental health problems from then up until recently are such a blur that it is hard for me to remember what happened and when, or if anything indeed happened. What I can vaguely remember is that I definitely struggled on and off with suicidal thoughts/feelings. That is up until last year when those thoughts/feelings turned up a gear.
For those of you who maybe have not read any of my other blog posts, you will not know that last year I started university and moved away from home and into halls for that year. Before I had embarked upon this new adventure, everyone who had previously gone to university told me that these would be the best years of my life, except so far if these are meant to be the best years of my life then I am ever so slightly concerned about what the rest of my life after this little chapter has to offer.
By moving into halls and not knowing anyone there I was very much on my own. Even after staying there for the entirety of first year I still felt like I did not really know anyone. I think that because I felt so alone during this time, this is what led me to feeling so low and depressed to the point where my suicidal thoughts/feelings were so heightened that I did genuinely consider ending my life. I do not want to share what my exact method I thought of using in order to actually carry this out was, but there was one time where I actually did have this item in my hand, completely ready to end things.
These demons were ever so strong during my first year of university. In fact, they were the strongest they have ever been during that time. I am not sure exactly what made me feel that way, but since making the decision that for second year at least I should stay at home and commute to university, this has quite possibly been the best decision I have ever made. Since moving back home I have not thus far had any strong suicidal thoughts/feelings and even though things have not been easy and I have been feeling quite low at times but compared to how I was feeling last year, I do feel somewhat better. I know these thoughts are not necessarily ever going to go away and that I will always be in an ongoing battle of these thoughts coming and going, but so far these last two weeks at university have been relatively okay and something I have not struggled as much as I thought I would with.
To those of you who have ever felt suicidal or are currently feeling that way, please seek help. I have never opened up to anyone about how I really felt all those years, particularly the last year, and for so many years I have struggled; which I think may be part of the reason why I felt so suicidal as I was not getting the help I needed. I am not going to sit here and tell you to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' like many people often do when someone says that they feel suicidal, because I have watched that movie and it only made me feel worse as I still felt I did not have as much of an impact on anyone as George Bailey had on everyone in his life. Please just talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling as even if they cannot help you, if they really care about you they will get in contact with someone who can help you. I know reaching out to someone may be difficult as I have been there myself, but you do have a purpose for being here and things really will get better.
So please, please, PLEASE, get the help that you need as it may be hard at first but it will all be worth it in the end.
I love you all dearly.
Love Beth xx