To All the Boys I've Hurt Before
Relationships. They're a difficult one. We all like to make out like we're the perfect couple, when in reality it's not really like that. Sure, maybe you are, but no relationship is perfect - the same as nobody is perfect. But what about when people break up? We all love to put the blame on the other person, but what about ourselves? I think in the majority of breakups, both people who were involved in that relationship are equally to blame for the downfall of that relationship. I know that I am one of those people, so this is for all the boys I've hurt before...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my actions that led to the downfall in our relationship (or situationship, if we were never an 'official' couple). I guess at the time that everything went downhill and we decided to call it quits, I found it easier to put the blame on you than to even entertain the idea that I could be at fault in any way, shape, or form. I guess this was because I was happy to live in my own little bubble and act like little Miss Perfect, even though I was also to blame for our break up. I know that you weren't perfect either, but this time it is about my faults, not yours.
I was never open about my struggles. I guess this is because in the past when I have tried to open up to people in terms of things such as my mental health, they haven't been interested and haven't cared, so I thought the same would apply here. But I know that if I had of been more open about my mental health, amongst many other things, then maybe we both would have been more equipped to deal with these issues and overcome them; rather than me sitting in silence and trying not to acknowledge anything that was going on with me. I have since learnt that it is important for me to be open about how I am feeling so you can get a better understanding of what is going on with me and why I may be acting a certain way or why I may be silent, and I am so sorry that I never opened up to you about these things.
Leading on from that, I am also sorry that I used to bottle things up, to the point where everything would just come spilling out at once in a massive rant that I used to take completely out on you. You didn't deserve that. I guess because I am a massive overthinker, I thought it best if I kept everything to myself as I thought I was overthinking everything, when in reality they were just little things where the most that could happen would be for us to bicker. We would both constantly argue and that was always down to me keeping everything in and then blurting it all out in one rant that led to a massive argument. I now know that if there is something getting to me, no matter whether I'm overthinking it or not, I should just say it so it doesn't lead to a massive argument and probably the downfall in a relationship.
I'm sorry that in some instances I wasn't putting as much effort in, such as texting first. I have never been one to text someone first, which stems from the voice in my head telling me that you didn't want to talk to me and if you did you would have texted me first and that if I did text first the conversation wouldn't go anywhere. I can promise you I did try, but I know I didn't try as much as I should have. I don't think we should base effort off of who texts who first, however I guess that is part of a relationship nowadays, particularly if you don't live together.
I'm also sorry for taking things out on you that weren't your fault, particularly if they were things you knew nothing about. I was always aware that I shouldn't be doing that, however I guess that, along with things I bottled up, they just all spurted out into one big massive argument where I would blame you for this stuff, when you didn't know about it. I should never have done any of that and I'm so, so, so sorry I did that to you.
I'm sorry for not putting enough trust in you. I guess you always see people who have been really badly hurt and I expected that to happen to me, which is why I always had my guard up and was always really suspicious about you. In part, that is because I had been hurt before, but just because someone else had hurt me, doesn't mean that you would have done. I know you didn't hurt me and I guess that is why when things ended between us I was so annoyed at myself because I felt that if I had put my trust into you that maybe things wouldn't have ended. That we could have stayed together. But due to me and my stupid trust issues, things ended. I guess I now know that just because one person hurt you in the past, doesn't mean that the next person will. There is nothing wrong with having your guard up, as if you constantly have it down, it can make it very easy for someone to hurt you. But I guess with the next person I will put my trust in them that they will not hurt me, because not all guys are bad and not all guys will hurt me, and hopefully this way things won't end with them - not that that makes any difference to you and your life.
I guess you could say that I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person because I'm incredibly good at pushing the good people in my life away. And that's exactly what I did with you. As soon as the smallest thing went wrong, I tried to keep you at arms length and even though at times you kept pushing to get back in, you eventually gave up. And that's my own fault for doing that to you. I guess this is because I would keep so much in that I wanted to say to you, that instead of us talking things through and me realising I had no reason to push you away, I kept pushing you away anyway because I wanted to be in control of if/when you walked away from me. In the past, people have had no problem in walking away from me before, so in this case I wanted to try and have full control over when you walked away. I now realise that that is wrong and that I should never of pushed you away and instead should of expressed my feelings with you so we could fix things, instead of ignoring the problem and me pushing you away.
I guess at the end of the day, I'm just really sorry for the things that happened between us. I'm sorry for every single thing I did that resulted in the end of us. I'm just sorry.
Love Beth xx