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To the One that Got Away

red rose in a puddle

Much like the Katy Perry song 'the one that got away', there was someone in my life who I thought would be around forever and there was a part of me that thought we were soulmates. Maybe it was just the fact that I was young and naive, however, there was this instant attraction between the two of us that was ongoing and no one could deny that this passion between us didn't exist. We could talk all day every day and we would never run out of anything to talk about. In a crowd full of people I could always find you out. Whenever I was with you, it was like there was no one else in the room. But then, that all went away so suddenly. It was like you were here one minute and gone the next. I never really got the proper chance to tell you how much you meant to me and that I loved you. I have no idea whether those feelings were ever reciprocated, however, to me, you really were the one that got away. This is everything I ever wanted to say to you, but never got the chance to...

Everything started out so perfect at first. You know how when you meet someone and feel this instant attraction to them? That's exactly how things were between you and me. In the past when I had felt something similar like this with others, it had always ended up with me gaining the feelings and them not caring about me at all. But with you it was different. You actually paid attention to me and I knew that my feelings were reciprocated. There was just this spark between us that I don't even think I could begin to describe, but I know that since things between the two of us ended I have never felt a spark like that with anyone else. Is that the spark people speak about when they say they felt when they met the one? Surely it's not because if you were the one then surely we'd be together now? But if the spark you feel when you meet the one is anything like the spark I felt when I first met you and every time we saw each other/when we spoke, then I really cannot wait to meet him.

It was a relatively slow start for us. We first properly met in June 2015, yet nothing really properly happened until May 2016. For almost that entire year I had the biggest crush on you. Not to sound like a creep and weirdo, but I would often change my route when walking around school to get to my next class just in the hope that I would be able to walk past you and get a glimpse of you (I'll expect my restraining order to be in the post in the next week or two). But when you did message me on that Saturday morning in May, you will never be able to understand how excited and happy I was. I finally felt like you cared about and liked me enough to want to engage in conversation with me outside of school and that was the first proper conversation we had, other than the previous little chats we used to have whilst waiting outside the classroom. I'm not the best at making conversation with people and it ends typically after about thirty minutes or so, but that conversation with you lasted for hours, with our later conversations going on for days. It was something I had never experienced before and I really began to think from that moment that something was definitely going to happen between us.

From then, without fail, we spoke every single day. Pretty much all day every day at that too. I never got tired of hearing from you and you were often the only person I cared about speaking to at any point during the day. We talked about anything and everything and you never failed to make me laugh. I never felt like I had to hide anything from you and I never felt embarrassed to be around you or be seen with you. I had never really been in this sort of situation before, so didn't know how long this phase would last for until it would make sense for us to become 'official'. I genuinely did believe that was going to happen and so did a lot of other people. That was until I found stuff out about you that I really wish had never happened.

Not long after we'd had our prom, at a point where I thought things couldn't be better, everything started going south. The conversations between us started getting shorter and it got to the point where we would go a few days without speaking. I have a huge lot of anxiety around texting people first as I always feel as though they never want to talk to me, but with you, I felt able to try and start the conversation first. I'm not sure whether this led to that anxiety getting worse, but we got to a point where it would take you a day or two to reply to a simple message. I now understand that just because we have smartphones we can't expect people to reply to our messages very quickly and that if they don't reply it may be because they just don't feel up to speaking to anyone. Maybe if this had happened now instead of five years ago I would have believed that. But the simple fact was you actually got a girlfriend and for some reason felt it was best not to disclose that information to me.

I even remember you messaging me saying you wish we could meet up and when I said we could you acted surprised and said we should try and arrange it (it never happened). At the time I remember feeling confused about why you would be surprised about the fact that we could meet up. I began to feel that maybe you didn't like me anymore. I even remember being worried about the fact I was going on my Duke of Edinburgh expedition in a few weeks and wouldn't be able to talk to you as I wasn't going to be taking my phone. But the real reason that we couldn't meet up was that you had a girlfriend. The only reason I found that out was because my friend told me while we were on DofE and I was so angry. I just wanted to scream and shout at you. Even a guy who didn't like me said that what you did was disgusting and that I deserved better - that's how bad it was! I often say it's just as well I didn't have my phone on me and that I didn't come home until a few days later as otherwise I really would have let rip into you and it wouldn't have just been me that did that. It also would have been my friends as well.

When I did get home, I remember texting you asking you why you had a girlfriend and never told me. Your response? Well, there wasn't one, was there. Because all you felt able to do was open the message and not reply. You knew I had feelings for you and yet you felt able to sit there and do that to me. You then had the cheek to message me a couple of weeks later to check on how I was and I never even had a go at you then because I felt I was the one in the wrong. You even had the cheek to message me about a week after that in the middle of the night to say you had broken up with your girlfriend and asking if you could phone me. And I let you do that. Because I'm a fool who couldn't (and still can't, to be fair) stand up for herself.

I guess anyone reading this is probably wondering why, after everything that happened, I think you're the one that got away. I think this because everything between us kept going on for a number of years after this. Do I think you're the one? No. Absolutely not. But I do often wonder what could have happened to us if you hadn't have done what you did. Maybe we would have lasted a few weeks, months, possibly years. Maybe we'd even still be together now. You're not the one, but you were a significant part in my life, and at the end of the day, whether I like it or not, you did help shape me into the person I am today and that is something I really cannot hate you for.

Love Beth xx

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