Back to Being Me
I'm not sure how many of you are aware of this but last February I lost someone who was very close to me. My Grandad. Up until that point in my life I'd never really experienced someone who I was so close to and who I loved and could talk to and go and see anytime I wanted not being there anymore. It was a very difficult time for me and I didn't know what to do with myself or how to cope. I think what made it worse was that I never really told anyone else how I really felt and because of that reason everyone thought I was fine when I wasn't.
I guess that after my Grandad had died, for most of last year and some of this year, I became depressed. I felt lonely all the time and that was because someone so close to me had died and I thought that everyone else around me who I was close to was going away as well. Not in that they were going to die but that they just didn't want to be around me anymore.
In fact, for over a year I would just lock myself in my room all day everyday and wouldn't go out and see anyone. If anyone asked me if I wanted to meet up with them I'd either say I was busy or agree and then on the day I'd tell them I was ill or that something else had come up and I couldn't make it. I was pushing certain people in my life away and some of them still haven't come back and have stayed where I pushed them to. Away from my life.
I think that it wasn't just a matter of losing someone I loved but also that I knew that the day before my Grandad died I could have gone and seen him but instead I was too busy being selfish and decided to stay at home because I wanted to avoid my brothers and have the TV to myself. So I guess in the back of my mind there was always (and still is) the guilt that I could have gone and seen my Grandad on his last day here.
In fact, the last time I saw my Grandad was a month before he died. I last saw him on New Year's Day 2015 and I haven't seen him since. And when he did die, because of that reason, I told myself that I would make an effort to see the people I love more often. And have I done that? No, not really. I'm not sure if it was me being depressed or the fact that I didn't want to go to my Gran's because it reminded me too much of my Grandad but I never really made much of an effort.
But for the past couple of months, I feel like I'm back to how I was before my Grandad died. Only I feel a bit more confident in myself and the things that I do compared to how I used to act and behave. I know a lot of you who read this blog regularly will know that I also suffer from anxiety which often makes it very difficult for me to approach people. For me to be the person who says hey first. For me to be the person to send the first text. For me to be the person to ask people if they want to meet up. But I am getting better at that which I am happy about. And I'm pretty sure it's because of this one person.
There's this boy who I went to school with (we're both in year 11 so we've just finished our exams and have left school) and we've become quite close over the past couple of months. We're not together or anything like that but I enjoy spending time with him. I know this might sound weird but he's probably one of the very few people over the past few months that have made me feel like I'm me again. He doesn't know that, but it's the truth. He's made me feel happy again and it makes me feel like there is hope for me for the future.
My advice to you from all of this is to be with the people who make you happy. If there's someone who makes you feel miserable or that if you know you're going to see them and you're not happy about it, then distance yourself from them. If they don't make you feel any better about yourself then they shouldn't be a part of your life. It may sound harsh but it's true.
Finally, make sure you go and see your loved ones whenever you can. I know that as teenagers we'd rather go and meet up with friends than go and see our grandparents but they're not going to be around forever. I'm not saying you have to spend every second of every day with them but at least try to see them once or twice a week - even if it's only for an hour or two.
If you ever need any advice or just someone to talk to then please don't be afraid to ask me. All of my contact details are in the contacts tab at the top of the page.
Love Beth xx